Irrational Fear
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After Two-Face accidentally gets sprayed with Scarecrow's fear toxin, he begins to have a difficult time distinguishing reality from unreality. And his troubles only increase when he hears a rumor about Poison Ivy and another inmate. Thanks to Sazzywesty for Mr. J's birthday party! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Irrational Fear**

"…so he says, 'He's the hero Gotham deserves, but…but not the one it needs right now!'" gasped the Joker, trying to catch his breath in between laughter. "Ain't that the biggest load of crap you ever heard in your life?"

"And what does it have to do with this ink blot?" asked Dr. Joan Leland, calmly, leaning her cheek against one hand and holding up a card with the other.

"Nothing, but I'm bored, so I thought I'd tell a joke," replied Joker, shrugging. "C'mon, Doc, ain't we done yet?"

"Look, you don't want to do this, and I don't want to do this, but we have a certain quota of these to fill on every patient, and you're no exception," retorted Dr. Leland.

"_I'm_ no exception?" repeated Joker. "That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard in my life! Except for that speech I just gave ya…"

"The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can leave," continued Dr. Leland. "I'm only head doctor here – I don't get to make the rules, and I don't get to argue with procedure, or I lose my job. We have to follow certain established methods when dealing with lunatics."

"Using the same method for each different case sounds pretty crazy to me," said Joker. "And it can't be very effective. Maybe that's why you've never cured anyone in here."

Dr. Leland sighed. "Just tell me what this looks like," she said, nodding at the card.

Joker grimaced, folding his arms across his chest. "Batman," he muttered.

"And this one?" she said, holding up another card.

"Batman," he repeated.

"And this?"

"Guy in a wheelchair fighting another guy in a wheelchair with an electric fan and canaries on their heads," said Joker.

"You always like to make the last one a surprise, don't you?" sighed Dr. Leland, writing down the results and putting away the cards.

"That's the key to humor, Doc!" chuckled Joker. "Never give 'em the punchline they're expecting! No, but seriously, it looks like Batman."

Dr. Leland sighed again. "Thank you, Joker, that'll keep the powers that be happy for another six months. Can you send Harley in, please?"

"Sure thing, Doc!" said Joker. "Though I'm pretty sure I can tell you what she's gonna be seeing in all those ink blots – puddin'. And she ain't talking about the dessert!" he giggled, as the guards led him away into the Rec Room.

"Harley, you're up!" called Joker.

"Thanks, puddin'!" she exclaimed, leaping to her feet and rushing over to hug him. "Did ya say ya saw me in all the ink blots?"

"Of course I did, pumpkin pie," he cooed, patting her head. "And I hope you're gonna return the favor."

She squeaked happily, kissed him, and then bounced out of the room with the guards. The other inmates waited until their footsteps disappeared, and then Poison Ivy said, "All right, they're gone."

Two-Face and Mr. Freeze climbed off the sofa and lifted it up, sliding it out of the way to reveal a small hole in the floor. "Johnny? Find anything yet?" hissed Two-Face.

"Yes, Victor's gun – just a moment," called Jonathan Crane from inside the hole.

"Hey, what's all this, guys?" asked Joker, coming over to them.

"We've spent a couple weeks tunneling through the floor and into the vault where they keep all our stuff," explained Ivy. "Now the hole's big enough for Johnny to fit through, so he's sending some stuff up that we can escape with later."

"Here you are, Victor," said Crane, emerging from the hole at that moment and handing the ice gun to Freeze.

Joker intercepted it suddenly, grabbing it from his hands and pointing it at the TV. "Freeze, scumbag!" he chuckled, about to pull the trigger. Freeze grabbed it back immediately.

"It is not a toy, Joker," he snapped.

"Hey, cool it, Freeze!" laughed Joker. "You'd think you of all people would know how to chill out!"

Freeze said nothing, but removed his glove and seized Joker's wrist. "Ah, cold!" howled Joker, ripping his wrist away and blowing on it.

"Shut up, J, they'll hear you!" growled Ivy. "We've been working on this for weeks and we don't wanna blow it!"

"Yeah, it's kinda rude that you planned all this without telling me and Harley," said Joker, nodding. "Or weren't you planning on letting us come with? It's not very nice to exclude people, y'know."

"We were going to tell you when we actually got to the break out part," said Ivy. "We just didn't think you needed to know about the setup. The last thing we need is a Joker in the deck screwing everything up."

"Aw, but Pammie, game's no fun without me!" exclaimed Joker, throwing an arm around her neck. She shoved him away, glaring at him. "Hey, Johnny, what else ya got down there?" called Joker, yelling down the hole.

"I'm just bringing up some fear toxin," he said. "The cannister is very heavy, so be careful…"

He emerged again, carefully placing down a large metal tube with a small hose and nozzle attached. "Don't touch it," he snapped as Joker bent down to do just that. "The last thing we need is you accidentally releasing this into the room."

"Who says it would be an accident?" chuckled Joker. "Might be a hilarious gag to the have the world's greatest supervillains all cowering in terror like a bunch of little girls. I wonder what everyone here is afraid of. Freeze, easy – someone pulling the plug on the ice dame. Harvey – a world without twos. Pammie – me in a thong. Johnny – dying alone. Probably a justifiable fear, by the way!" he chuckled.

"And what are you afraid of, Joker?" asked Crane.

"Me? Nothing. Too crazy to be afraid of anything," laughed Joker. "Too irrational to have an irrational fear, ain't that a kick in the head?"

"All men fear something," snapped Crane.

"I don't, Craney, and I'm more of a man than you, trust me," retorted Joker. "I've even got a girlfriend, which is apparently something your ten college degrees ain't taught ya how to do, Professor," he giggled.

"Absence of all fear is certainly an interesting hypothesis," growled Crane. "Let's test it out."

He had seized the hose and lunged forward, about to spray the gas into Joker's face, when the Joker leapt out of the way, and Crane fell forward, spraying the gas directly into Two-Face's face instead.

"Jesus Christ, God dammit!" shouted Two-Face, reeling back and coughing.

"Oh…God, Mr. Dent, I'm so sorry!" stammered Crane.

"What the hell did you do that for, Crane?!" shouted Two-Face, furiously.

"It was an accident…I was aiming for the Joker…"

Crane was cut off with a hard punch to the face. "Sorry, I was aiming for J too!" shouted Two-Face, punching Crane again and sending him flying.

"Don't, Harvey!" yelled Ivy, rushing over to Crane and stepping in front of him to prevent Two-Face beating him some more. "Stop it right now! He didn't mean to do it!"

"Yeah, fat lotta consolation that's gonna be for me!" shouted Two-Face. "I'm gonna have waking nightmares for weeks 'cause of this crap!"

Joker was giggling hysterically at the mayhem he had caused, a maniacal cackle that grew louder as the guards were alerted to the noise and burst into the room. What followed was a very brief fight, with a few guards receiving minor ice-related injuries, all weapons confiscated, and all inmates being subdued and dragged back to their cells.

"God dammit, J, the escape plan's ruined, and it's all your fault!" shrieked Ivy.

"Hey, don't blame me, Pammie – Johnny started the fight," laughed Joker.

"Only because you provoked him!" shouted Ivy.

"Mr. Dent, I will try to synthesize an antidote as quickly as possible, I promise…" began Crane.

"Can it, Crane!" growled Two-Face. "They ain't gonna give you access to any chemicals after this fiasco. I'll just deal with it," he muttered, sitting down in his cell and putting his head in his hands. "Try and sleep it off or something. But if I start acting all funny, promise me you'll hit me."

"Will do, Harvey!" chuckled Joker.

"I was talking to Crane," growled Two-Face. "He hits like a girl."

Joker continued to giggle madly to himself, very pleased at his handiwork. "That'll teach 'em to make escape plans without me," he chuckled, settling happily back down in his cell.


	2. Chapter 2

"And he's been like this how long?" asked Jervis Tetch, sipping a cup of tea calmly as he watched Two-Face shouting and punching the table in front of him in the cafeteria.

"It's been three days now," murmured Crane. "It's all my fault, Jervis. If only they'd give me access to my chemicals, I could make up an antidote for him. But after the break out attempt, security's gone up again and nobody will trust me with them. But I hate to see him like this. I feel so guilty."

"It was an accident," said Tetch. "Nothing to feel guilty about."

"Crane, I swear to God that when I'm thinking straight again, I'm gonna pound your skull into a bloody pulp!" shouted Two-Face suddenly, standing up and storming off.

"Yes, thank you, Harvey, I deserve that!" called Crane after him.

"You're not making this any easier on yourself, you know," said Tetch. "You mustn't let him threaten you like that."

"Oh, Jervis, if you knew what was going on in his head, you'd admire him for contenting himself with threats," sighed Crane, burying his head in his hands. "That gas is incredibly potent. It's a wonder he hasn't gone out of his mind."

"Can a madman go mad?" asked Tetch. "Or would that make him sane?"

"This is no time to debate philosophy, Jervis," snapped Crane.

"My dear fellow, what else can one do in such circumstances?" asked Tetch, pouring himself another cup of tea. "You say you cannot synthesize an antidote. So you are as powerless as Harvey is to stop these visions he's having. All either of you can do is wait until the toxin works itself out of his system. And I would suggest trying to have some sort of escape planned before that happens, as I imagine Harvey will be rather peeved with you."

"There's that English sense of understatement," muttered Crane.

"Yes, and the Englishman in me also insists that you have a cup of tea – it will make you feel better," said Tetch, pouring one for him. "I would offer one to Harvey, but I daresay it would transform into a spider or something in his eyes. Do you imagine Harvey is afraid of spiders?"

"I don't know," murmured Crane. "He hasn't vocalized his delusions at all. He's just…angry at them. I don't know what's going on in his head. I'm not sure I want to know. You see, the gas works on you in different ways. If you have a phobia, spiders, snakes, scorpions, that sort of thing, it latches onto that and keeps bombarding you with visualizations of these. If you don't have an immediately recognizable phobia, the gas probes deeper into your mind. It makes you…remember things. Fears that you've forgotten, things you've tried to repress because it's too painful to remember them."

"That is rather ingenious, Jonathan, if you don't mind me saying so," replied Tetch. "Stroke of genius, really."

"Yes, but I never meant for it to be used like this," sighed Crane. "I meant it to terrorize weak-minded brutes, like the Joker. Harvey has never been anything but perfectly courteous to me. It's not right that he be subjected to this."

"Jonathan, if the world was right, you and I would be free men, and Alice and I would be happily married," retorted Tetch. "As it is, we all have our fair share of suffering. It is regrettable that this had to happen to Harvey, but you mustn't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure Harvey will be doing that for you soon enough."

Two-Face had left the cafeteria to head into the Rec Room, where the Joker sat watching cartoons, and Poison Ivy was reading a magazine. "Piss off, clown," growled Two-Face, grabbing the remote from him.

"Language, Harvey," said Joker, grinning. "There's a lady present."

"I dated her – she ain't no lady," retorted Two-Face, flipping the channel.

"Oh, screw you, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "What the hell is your problem anyway?"

"My problem is that I got a bunch of drugs pumped into my system that are making me see all sorts of weird crap!" shouted Two-Face. "I ain't slept in days, I'm tired all the time, and I can't do anything without knowing if what I'm seeing is real or not! You could both be figments of my imagination!"

Joker punched him suddenly. "Christ, what the hell was that for, J?!" shouted Two-Face, rubbing his cheek.

"To prove I'm real," replied Joker, grinning. "You can't be punched by figments of your imagination!" he giggled. "Unless you're imagining the punches, in which case you can. Hey, what if none of this is real?" he asked. "What if the Bat is a figment of our imaginations, and the reality is we're all just crazies locked up in a lunatic asylum? Oh that's right, we are!" he chuckled.

"I said piss off, clown," growled Two-Face. "So do it, before I…"

He had switched the channel to one of those courtroom dramas, and Two-Face's attention suddenly fixed on it, as both his faces assumed a look of horror. Without another word, he stood up and raced from the room.

"Well, that was easy," chuckled Joker, taking the remote and flipping back to the cartoons. "I hope Johnny's fear gas lasts – Harvey is a laugh riot when he's completely unhinged!"

Ivy said nothing, returning her attention to her magazine. But the truth, if she dared admit it to herself, was that she was concerned about Two-Face. She couldn't tell him she was worried about him, certainly not when he was unpredictable like this. But that didn't stop her feeling worried about him, and wishing there was something she could do to help. Ivy didn't like feeling powerless. But everyone was powerless in this situation. They just had to sit it out and hope for the best.


	3. Chapter 3

_"We'll let your father handle this when he gets back from court, Harvey."_

_ "No, Mommy, please don't tell Daddy!"_

_ "He already knows, Harvey. The school called him at work. He's in the middle of a huge case at the moment, and he shouldn't have to deal with distractions like this. He's not pleased, Harvey."_

_ "I'm…I'm sorry, Mommy. I didn't mean to do it, I wasn't thinking, it was stupid…"_

_ "We didn't raise our only son not to think, did we, Harvey?" asked Mrs. Emily Dent gently, pouring herself a martini. "We didn't raise our only son to be some schoolyard bully…"_

_ "No, Mommy, I promise, that's not what happened! I swear! The kid was picking on me! And not just me, lots of others! He called me a spoiled, rich little lawyer's boy…"_

_ "I think we taught you to be the bigger man in those situations, Harvey, and not rise to the bait. This child is obviously jealous of your privilege, and you betrayed that privilege by retaliating and sinking to his level. You acted like a common thug, the kind your father prosecutes every day. He's ashamed of you, Harvey."_

_ The door opened at that moment, and Henry Dent entered the room, putting down his briefcase and taking off his jacket. He didn't say anything, and he didn't look at Harvey, as his wife poured him a drink. He gulped this down slowly, and at last looked down at Harvey coldly._

_ "You think I don't have enough problems without getting phone calls from your school telling me my kid's a punk?" he muttered, quietly._

_ "No, Daddy, please, I…"_

_ "You acted like a goddamn punk!" shouted Henry Dent, furiously, throwing the empty glass at Harvey. It shattered at his feet. "Jesus Christ, I thought I raised you better than that! You go around acting like this and you're never getting into Harvard, and you're never getting into law school! You're just gonna end up flipping burgers at some fast food joint, a failure like all the other punks! I didn't raise you to be a failure, boy, and I didn't raise you to be a punk! You know what I do to punks, Harvey? I send 'em to jail! I lock 'em up, in a tiny cell, forever and ever! And that's what's gonna happen to you if you don't shape up, Harvey! You'll be trapped in a little cell forever and ever and ever..."_

Two-Face woke up from the nightmare suddenly, sitting up in a panic and looking around his cell. The sweat poured off him, and he buried his head in his hands, trying to clear away the nightmare. But it hadn't been a nightmare. It had been a memory.

He threw the covers off, going over to fiddle the lock on his cell. He crept down the corridor and entered the Rec Room, leaving the lights off and turning on the TV. He just needed a distraction from his thoughts, and he was hoping the soothing glow from the screen might help him sleep.

Sleep didn't come. His mind was too active, and that memory kept returning to him, slicing into his brain like a knife. He remembered the event itself - when he was about eight, he had beat up a kid. The kid had been the school bully, and he had had it coming for a long time. But that wasn't the way the school saw it, and that certainly wasn't the way his parents saw it. The memory of their response hurt him more than the memory of beating up the kid did. He had been terrified of failing them after that. He had pushed himself so hard, and ended up DA of Gotham City. Not too shabby for some punk.

He pulled out his coin and began flipping it. It was a good thing his parents were dead now, though. How else could you describe a criminal lunatic but as a failure? He had lost everything, his mind, his life, himself. He had lost Harvey Dent somewhere along the line.

"Good riddance," he muttered, flipping the coin so it landed on the bad side. "What was Harvey Dent anyway but some spoiled, rich little lawyer's boy? Him and Bruce Wayne, going out on the town every night, wasting their money and their lives partying and getting drunk…"

He trailed off as another memory shot into his head.

_"How many drinks is that, Harvey?"_

_ "A couple more than you, Bruce."_

_ "You been keeping track?"_

_ "Sure. I'm not that drunk."_

_ "Well, I got stuff to do later tonight, so I can't be too hammered."_

_ "What stuff? It's nearly midnight. No business meetings this late, surely?"_

_ Bruce Wayne grinned. "Never said it was a business meeting, Harv."_

_ Harvey Dent laughed. "Let me guess. A lady?"_

_ "Maybe. Anyway, if I'm hoping for a repeat performance, I'd better be able to give it my best shot tonight. So I'm stopping now."_

_ Harvey snorted. "Your loss," he said, draining his glass. He looked around the bar and then said, "Bruce, can I ask you something?"_

_ "Sure, Harvey."_

_ "We've been friends for a long time and all, and…I just wanted to ask you if…you ever feel afraid."_

_ "Afraid?" repeated Bruce. "Of what?"_

_ "I dunno. Wasting our lives," said Harvey, shrugging. "I mean, I'm DA and I do a lot for this city. But whatever I do, it never seems to be enough. Sometimes it seems that the things I do don't really matter, or…do more harm than good. You ever…feel like that?"_

_ "Yes," said Bruce, quietly. "More than you know."_

_ "It's silly, isn't it?" he asked. "I mean, being afraid of stuff like that. We're successful guys, Bruce, we've seized the day, and we get to do stuff like this every night. We live life to its fullest. Why should we be afraid of wasting our lives? If we're wasting 'em, who's living 'em, right?" he laughed._

_ He ordered another drink and drained this quickly. "Only sometimes, Bruce, if I'm honest with you…I mean, this kinda life is great and all, only…I'm not…very happy." He looked at him. "Are you happy, Bruce?"_

_ Bruce sighed. "You know, Harvey, for all my playboy billionaire reputation, deep down…I'm not a very happy guy. A lot has happened to me…the loss of my parents still hurts to this day. If I'm honest with you…I'm not sure I know how to be happy."_

_ "Yeah. Well, I guess if this doesn't do it, nothing will!" laughed Harvey, looking around the bar again. He shook his head. "Sorry, Bruce, I'm getting all gloomy. Don't wanna bring you down for your girl tonight! Let's find ourselves some distractions. Like another drink."_

"Good idea," muttered Two-Face, going over to the bookshelf and removing the Bible. He opened it to reveal a small bottle of whiskey he stored there in case of emergencies, and began drinking from it. "Distractions," he murmured, sitting down and watching the TV again. Some late-night, tear-jerker movie was on, with a guy yelling at a beautiful redhead, who was sobbing and begging him not to send her away. A beautiful redhead…but she hadn't been crying…she had been staring at him with cold, cruel, heartless eyes, and yet there was a touch of tenderness in them, a touch of humanity, a touch of…feeling.

_"I should call the police right now, Poison Ivy," Harvey Dent had murmured contemptuously when he saw who his late-night visitor was. "Last time we saw each other, you tried to kill me. Guess they don't call you Poison for nothing, do they? I ended up in the hospital because of you, and if Batman hadn't found that antidote, I'd be a dead man now."_

_ "Yes, and we'd both be happier for it," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, you're the one who got in contact with me, Harvey, after my parole. Why did you want me to come here? Revenge? Are you going to try to kill me as payback? I wouldn't if I were you."_

_ "You think I'm as psycho as you?" demanded Harvey. "Some kinda crazy murderer?"_

_ "Then why did you ask me to come?" she murmured. _

_ He poured himself a drink. "I wanted to know if it was all just an act," he muttered. "What we had…if it was just a lie. If you were just using me to kill me because I let them build over a bunch of stupid flowers…"_

_ "Nearly extinct flowers, thanks to you, Harvey," she interrupted. "You claim not to be a murderer, but you don't have any regard for life, the same as me. We just target different species."_

_ "Nobody cares about a bunch of plants!" shouted Harvey. _

_ "I do!" shrieked Ivy. "They're my babies, Harvey! I love them like they're my own children! I'm a part of them, and they're a part of me…inside me…I've mutated my blood to make it more like their own. I feel empathy with them. I love them. I don't expect you to understand love, the great playboy Harvey Dent…"_

_ "Don't you tell me what I don't understand!" shouted Harvey, furiously, seizing her arms. "Don't you dare!"_

_ "Let go of me," muttered Ivy, glaring at him. _

_ "I should kill you," he murmured. "I should choke the life out of your ungrateful throat right now! I should strangle you until the fire dies in those pretty green eyes of yours, until the breath stops coming from your lips, your beautiful, red lips that you tried to kill me with…"_

_ "There are worse ways to die than with a kiss, wouldn't you agree, Harv?" she murmured. _

_ She brought her lips forward again, and Harvey was utterly unable to resist them. They had poisoned him, but he shoved his mouth against them without hesitation, needing their sweet taste again, even if it was poisonous. Her kiss was worth being poisoned for._

_ "It…it wasn't all a lie, was it, baby?" he whispered when he drew away at last. "What we had…it was real, wasn't it? Some part of it was real."_

_ She just looked at him and drew away slowly. He seized her again. "Pammie, I love you," he whispered. "Even after everything you've done to me, I love you. Tell me you feel the same, please. I'm terrified of losing you forever."_

_ "I don't…love people, Harvey," she murmured. "I don't trust people…they're cruel, selfish, and heartless creatures, who slaughter my babies without a second thought. You're one of them, Harvey. I can't love a murderer, you must understand that."_

_ "Pammie, I…can't lose you," he stammered. "Please…"_

_ "I'm sorry, Harvey," she murmured. "I…I really am."_

_ She headed for the door. "Goodbye, Harvey," she whispered, shutting it behind her. _

"Harvey?" murmured a voice. Two-Face opened his eyes to see Poison Ivy standing in the doorway. "I saw the light from the TV…what are you still doing up?" she asked, joining him on the sofa.

"Can't sleep," he muttered. "Nightmares. Memories. Same difference."

"Would it help to talk about them?" she asked. "I'm here to listen, Harvey…"

"Oh, you're here to listen now, are you?" he demanded, angrily. "Where were you when I needed you before, Pammie? Just content to rip my heart out and leave…guess that's always been the kinda girl you are," he muttered, taking another drink. "Man, I sure can pick 'em. I must be stupider than Harley when it comes to relationships, and that's saying something."

"Harvey, there's no need to be aggressive," replied Ivy. "I came to see how you are. I'm concerned about you…"

"Y'know, that's funny, Pammie, because last I heard, you didn't care about me," he interrupted. "All you cared about was your stupid plants. That's still the only thing you care about. You don't love people, you told me that."

"I can still care about…"

"What? Your ex-boyfriend, that you used when it was convenient to you? You must want something from me now, or you wouldn't be here. That's the only time you pretend to care about people – when you want something from them."

"Harvey, don't be like this…" she began.

"What should I be like, Pammie?" he demanded, rounding on her. "How should I treat the woman who broke my heart and tried to kill me? With respect? Love? Kindness? You lost all that from me a long time ago, toots. Tell ya what, why doncha just go find some other guy's heart to break and leave me alone, would ya?"

Ivy stood up. "You always get like this when you drink," she muttered, glaring at the whiskey bottle. She slapped him hard across the face. "That's for what you said about me," she snapped. Then she grabbed the bottle from him and left the room with it. "And that's for making me care about you."

"Pammie! Pammie, come back here with that, you selfish bitch! Pammie, don't…don't leave me again," he whispered, sinking back down on the sofa and burying his face in his hands. "Please, I…don't wanna be alone. I'm scared of being alone. I don't like…ones. I need…I need twos. Pairs. Couples. It's my deepest fear, being single, being on my own. Not…not two. Just one…alone."


	4. Chapter 4

"Um…Pamela? May I talk to you?"

Poison Ivy looked up to see Jonathan Crane standing by the door to her cell. "Sure, c'mon in," she said, pouring herself a glass of whiskey from the bottle she had taken from Two-Face.

"Drink?" she asked, holding up the bottle.

"Uh…no, thank you," said Crane, slowly. "I tend not to consume alcohol, it has…damaging effects on the mind. And frankly my mind is all I have going for me."

Ivy laughed. "You shouldn't say things like that, Johnny," she replied. "You're a nice guy. That's a big something in your favor, believe me. I've dated enough creeps to know."

Crane smiled, taking a seat next to her. "You couldn't sleep either, huh?" muttered Ivy, sipping from the glass. "Insomnia seems to be going around at the moment."

"I have a guilty conscience – I've never been able to sleep when I feel guilt," replied Crane.

"What, about Harvey?" asked Ivy. She snorted, finishing off the glass. "Don't feel guilty, Johnny. Harvey deserves a little suffering. He can be such a jerk sometimes."

"I…understood you and he were very close," said Crane. "That's what I wanted to see you about, actually. I thought maybe you could talk to him, to let him know how sorry I am about all this. He'll only beat me up if I try and speak to him."

"To be honest with you, Johnny, I'm not in the mood to talk to him," retorted Ivy, pouring herself another drink. "And last I checked, he wasn't in the mood to talk to me either."

Crane cleared his throat. "I…uh…understood you maintained a…erm…casual, romantic relationship, from time to time…"

"Who told you that?" snapped Ivy.

"Uh…Harley," he stammered.

Ivy sighed. "Figures. Yeah, we occasionally have a little…fling. Y'know, when I'm bored and there's nobody else available. It's nothing serious. I don't…love him or anything."

She downed the glass. "I don't love him," she repeated, firmly.

"I never said you…"

"Good. Because I don't," she snapped, pouring herself another drink. "I mean, we get along. It's ok that I'm worried about him. I do care about him…as a friend. Friends worry about each other when they get crazy on drugs, don't they?"

"Yes…I suppose they would," said Crane, slowly.

Ivy knocked her third drink back, and then slammed her glass down hard. "You know whose fault all of this is, Johnny?" she demanded. "Joker's."

"Well, yes, he did provoke me…"

"I hate him," muttered Ivy. "I hate him so much. I can't put into words how much I hate him. He always has to ruin everything, like the gigantic pain in the ass he is. And he always thinks he's so funny when he does. He's not funny. He's just an ass."

"Do you know, if I had a choice between being able to kill Batman or the Joker, I'm honestly not sure which one I'd pick?" said Crane. "Although I tend to lean more towards the Joker."

"Same here!" laughed Ivy. "And the way he treats Harley – it's just sick, Johnny."

"Yes, she deserves so much better," he murmured. "She's such a wonderful woman…"

"No woman deserves to be treated the way he treats her, wonderful or not," snapped Ivy. "If she would just grow a backbone and some self-esteem and tell him to get lost…"

"One can hope for miracles, Pamela, but one should not depend on them," retorted Crane.

"Don't call me that," she snapped.

"What? Pamela? I thought that was your name…"

"I prefer Ivy," she interrupted. "Or Red, but that's Harley's name for me."

"I wouldn't dream of depriving her of it," said Crane, smiling. "To be perfectly honest with you, Ivy, I hate the name Johnny. I've always preferred being called Jonathan, but Jervis is the only one who respects that."

"I didn't know," said Ivy. "You should tell people that."

"Yes, I daresay the Joker would be more than happy to comply with my wishes, and call me the name that doesn't irritate me," said Crane, sarcastically.

"You shouldn't let him ruin things for you, Johnny," retorted Ivy. "That's what he wants. Don't let him win."

She poured herself another drink. "Sorry,_ Jonathan_," she murmured. "I can see why you prefer that. I prefer it too."

"And if you permit me to say so, Ivy is a much more suitable name for you," said Crane. "Ivy is wild and free and grows everywhere whether you want it to or not."

"Are you calling me a weed, Jonathan?" asked Ivy, sipping from her glass.

"Indeed I am not," he replied. "I am comparing you to a rose among the thorns. Nothing can grow on rocks and stones except Ivy. It's a resilient plant, a determined plant, and I've always thought, an attractive plant. It's only admirable that the name be applied to someone who shares those characteristics."

"You saying you find me attractive, Jonathan?" asked Ivy.

"Well, you are…an objectively attractive woman," he replied. "I'm not blind, Ivy."

She grinned. "And you're a sweet guy, Jonathan," she said. "I don't go for sweet guys. That's my problem."

She finished the glass. "Y'know, I always blame Harley for falling for J, but really, I'm no better," she murmured. "I always pick the wrong guys. I guess the difference is, I can see they're wrong for me, unlike Harley."

"They do say love is blind," said Crane, nodding. "Although surely it would have to be, in Harley's case. No one with proper vision could consider a man who looks like a clown to be attractive."

"There's nothing attractive about him," growled Ivy. "He's a monster."

"Well, he's certainly put you, me, and Harvey through hell," sighed Crane. "If I could do anything to help Harvey, Ivy, I would. I wish to God I had sprayed myself with that fear toxin to spare Harvey the pain, that's the honest truth. And if I could trade places with him now, I would. I created that horror – I deserve to be subjected to it. Harvey does not. He's innocent."

"Harvey is not innocent," growled Ivy.

"Whatever you may think of him, Ivy, he does not deserve this," murmured Crane.

Ivy gazed at him. "You're such a nice guy, Jonathan," she murmured. "Selfless, sweet, sincere…and you hate J as much as I do. I've never met anyone who hates J as much as I do..."

She seized him suddenly around the collar and thrust her mouth into his, shoving him down on the bed…


	5. Chapter 5

"Jonathan? Where have you been?" asked Jervis Tetch, as he heard the creak of the neighboring cell door later that night.

"I…uh…I've been…uh…" stammered Crane, running his fingers through his hair. Tetch went to the window between their cells and started back suddenly.

"Goodness, Jonathan, you look terrible!" he exclaimed. "Completely shell shocked! What on earth happened to you?"

"I…uh…" Crane stammered again, licking his lips nervously. "I…uh…I…just slept with Poison Ivy."

Tetch stared at him. "You did…what?" he stammered

"I…slept with Poison Ivy," he repeated, sitting down on his bunk in a daze, as if not quite understanding what had happened. "I slept with Poison Ivy," he repeated, letting the realization slowly sink in.

"You slept with her. As in you…"

"We had…sexual intercourse," he stammered.

"I see," said Tetch. There was silence for a long time before Tetch asked, "And was it enjoyable?"

"I…I don't really know – it all just happened so quickly," stammered Crane. "It was so sudden…she was just…on top of me before I had time to protest. Not that I wanted to protest – I mean, she's a gorgeous woman, but it was just completely unexpected…like being hit by a train."

"That doesn't sound particularly pleasant," retorted Tetch.

"I just mean the sudden ferocity and the force…it was incredible. Yes, to answer your question, it was enjoyable, but now it seems almost as if it was a dream or something, over in the blink of an eye. I can hardly believe it happened myself."

Tetch was silent again. "So rather than assuaging your guilt by getting Pamela to speak to Harvey on your behalf, you've increased your guilt by engaging in sexual intercourse with Harvey's casual girlfriend, is that the situation?"

"That's about the size of it, yes," sighed Crane.

"I see," said Tetch again. He cleared his throat. "This may seem an impertinent question, Jonathan, but just how much alcohol was involved in this situation?"

"She had four glasses of whiskey that I saw," said Crane. "Why?"

"No reason," sighed Tetch. "Her memory of the incident might be a little vague tomorrow morning, that's all."

Vague was another example of English understatement. Ivy awoke the next morning with the memory of Crane coming to visit her, but nothing beyond that. "Morning, Johnny!" she said cheerfully at the breakfast table.

"Oh…good morning, Ivy," he stammered, blushing bright red. "How are you…after last night?"

"Bit of a hangover, but I've had worse," she said, shrugging.

"Oh…good," said Crane, slowly. "But I actually wasn't referring to the alcohol."

"Oh. What were you referring to?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

Crane gazed at her. "Well…uh…you may recall I came to see you last night…"

"Oh yeah, sure I do," said Ivy, nodding. "How many shots did you have in the end?"

He looked at her. "Shots? Well, just the one…wait, you're still referring to the alcohol, aren't you? I…erm…didn't drink."

"Oh right. Because I was gonna ask how your head was this morning, but if you didn't drink…"

"No, but my head is still reeling, actually," interrupted Crane.

Ivy stared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh well, if you don't remember, that's perfectly fine," said Crane, hurrying to his feet. "I have to go now…"

"Johnny, wait!" said Ivy, racing after him and pulling him into a corner. "What happened last night?" she asked. "What did we do?"

He looked back at her, blushing. "Well, we…um…"

"Johnny, we didn't…tell me we didn't…" stammered Ivy, a look of horror clouding her face. She looked around and lowered her voice. "We didn't…have sex, did we?"

He nodded slowly. "Oh God!" cried Ivy, clapping a hand to her mouth. "How could I…how did I let this happen?! Why would I ever…"

"Thank you, Ivy, that does wonders for my self-esteem," sighed Crane. "But you had been drinking a lot, and you were angry at Harvey. And we bonded a little over our hated for the Joker..."

Ivy seized his shoulders. "Look, it was a mistake, all right? Haven't you ever just slept with someone because it seemed like a good idea at the time, but you regretted it later?"

"Um…no," said Crane, slowly.

Ivy studied him in mounting horror. "Oh my God, you've _never_ slept with anyone, have you?"

"I…erm…have now," stammered Crane.

"Oh Jesus!" gasped Ivy. "Oh God…ok. Here's what we're going to do, Johnny. We're gonna keep this under wraps. Nobody can know about it. Harvey can't know about it. The Joker CANNOT know about it…"

"What can't I know about?" asked the Joker, appearing next to them suddenly and beaming.

"Nothing, J," said Ivy hastily, shoving Crane away from her. "It's a…surprise Johnny and me are discussing. For your birthday."

"I don't have a birthday," replied Joker. "At least, not one I can remember anyway."

"And that's why it's gonna be a surprise," said Ivy, nodding.

"Really? You're planning a surprise party for me?" asked Joker, beaming. "Aw, you guys are the best! Hey, Harley, these kids make your surprises look like crap!" he shouted.

"What do ya mean, puddin'?" asked Harley, coming over to join him and cuddling against his arm.

"I mean Pammie and Johnny are planning a surprise birthday party for little old me!" said Joker. "How come you didn't think of that first, you dumb blonde? You don't care about me at all, do ya?"

"Of course I do, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley. "In fact…the party was my idea, wasn't it, Red?" she asked, turning to Ivy with pleading eyes.

"Yeah…sure it was," said Ivy. "And in fact, Harley's going to be in charge of it all. Dates, times, decorations, cake, all her responsibility, right, Harley?"

"That's right, Red!" said Harley, cheerfully. "And it's gonna be lots and lots of fun, too!"

"It better be," retorted Joker. "Don't want my first birthday party that I can remember to be boring. I might just have to make my own entertainment!" he chuckled, striding off. "And I'm sure once I tell Harvey what Johnny and Pammie were really saying to each other, it'll make the whole thing an absolute blast!" he murmured, grinning.


	6. Chapter 6

"Thanks for coming, Bruce," murmured Two-Face, staring at his former friend seated on the opposite side of the glass in the visiting room. "You're a busy man, and Arkham is a long way from Wayne Enterprises…"

"It's no problem, Harvey," replied Bruce Wayne, sincerely. "Although it is a surprise. You've never asked to see me before. Why now?"

Two-Face flipped his coin without responding for some time. "There's stuff that's been…going on in my head. Memories that have kinda been going around and around in there. It's 'cause of the drugs…"

"Drugs?" repeated Bruce. "Has Dr. Leland changed your treatment…"

"No, Johnny Crane accidentally gassed me," replied Two-Face. "He calls himself the Scarecrow, and he's invented this fear gas…"

"Yes, I've heard of it," interrupted Bruce, nodding. "Doesn't he have an antidote?"

"Not on him. And the doctors won't let him near any chemicals. It's fine – I'll just deal with it. Can't last much longer anyway. Only…you know how when you get scared, like when there's a fire or something, and you try to save the things that are really important to you? That's…kinda how I'm feeling now. This gas has brought out the self-preservation instinct in me. So that's what I'm trying to do. Preserve myself."

Bruce didn't know how to respond, so he didn't. He just looked at Two-Face as he continued to flip his coin. "You remember Harvey Dent, Bruce?" he murmured.

"Yeah. Great guy," said Bruce softly.

"Yeah, I guess. Pretty terrified guy, actually. Terrified of letting people down, of failing…in a way, I think he was relieved when he…lost his mind. He…absolved himself of responsibility for his failure. Gave it all to chance," he said, flipping the coin and letting it land on the table. "See, there's nothing you can do to fight chance, Bruce. Fate's decided like the flip of a coin. You can fight it, but that don't change it. And it's stupid to fight something you can't change. Harvey Dent was destined to fail. He was destined to lose. That's what the coin decided."

Bruce looked down at the bad side of the coin staring up at him. "You know, it's ok to fail sometimes, don't you, Harvey?" he murmured. "It's ok to lose. Everybody does, at one time or another…"

"Batman doesn't," growled Two-Face. "That's the thing about him. That's why I think sometimes he ain't human. He don't lose. He can't be scared of losing, not like the rest of us."

"I'm sure he can," murmured Bruce. "I think…Batman has lost occasionally. I mean, he had to have lost something really valuable to him once, or he wouldn't fight crime night after night like he does, right?"

"Yeah, his sanity!" said Two-Face, grinning. His face immediately became serious again. "Look, I don't wanna talk to you about Batman," he muttered. "I didn't call you here for that. I just…I've lost a lotta things, Bruce. I lost a girl I really loved. I lost…the best friend I ever had. I lost Harvey Dent somewhere along the line. And I don't know how to get any of 'em back."

Bruce looked at him. Then he reached through the hole in the bottom of the window, taking Two-Face's hand. "You haven't lost me, Harvey," he murmured. "I'm always here for you, to help you if I can. Please believe that. And I don't think you've lost Harvey either. He's still in there, somewhere, I know it. If he wasn't, I'd give up on you. But I'm not ever giving up on you, Harvey."

"Thanks, Bruce," Two-Face murmured.

Bruce smiled at him and then rose. "You call me if you ever want to chat," he said. "I'll always be available. Heck, I'll even cancel my dates for you."

"Now that's a pal!" laughed Two-Face. "Hey, and if I can return the favor, you let me know. I probably won't have any dates I have to cancel for you, but I'd rather talk to you than deal with the Bat."

Bruce grinned. "See you soon, Harvey," he murmured, shutting the door to the visiting room.

Two-Face smiled as he returned to the cell block, feeling more optimistic than he had felt in a long time. He passed Harley in conversation with Mr. Freeze. Or rather, Harley was talking at Mr. Freeze, who was responding with monosyllabic answers.

"…it doesn't have to be anything complicated, just like a clown face or a playing card or something."

"No."

"Maybe a bat? Can you do a bat?"

"No."

"Aw, c'mon, Victor, help me out here! You gotta be able to do ice sculptures!"

"Yes."

"So why won't you do a fun one for Mr. J's party?"

"I only sculpt Nora."

"Ok, how about this? You sculpt Nora, but you make her wear a jester hat, so she looks a little like me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Well, can you maybe just sculpt Nora but make her smiling?"

"She was always smiling."

"So that's a yes!" said Harley, beaming. "Thanks, Victor, you're a pal!" she said, clapping him on the shoulder. "This party thing is coming along great! Swell idea of yours, Red!" she said, as Ivy came down the hall from the opposite end.

"Yeah, I…" Ivy looked up and noticed Two-Face, and panic shot into her eyes. "I…have to go," she said, attempting to hurry past him.

"Uh…Pammie, if you've got a minute, I'd really like to speak to you," said Two-Face, catching her hand. "Y'know, to apologize for the other night. I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"Oh…no, that's fine, Harvey," stammered Ivy, forcing a smile. "No harm done, and no hard feelings. Now I really gotta run…"

"Actually, I'd really like to quickly speak to you in private," he said, gesturing to the Rec Room. "There are…uh…things to say."

"I'm sure there are, Harvey, but I can't," said Ivy. "I'm busy with this party thing…Harley's running me off my feet…"

"Actually, Red, I can handle the food if you wanna…" began Harley.

"No, no, no, you can't, Harley," said Ivy, clapping a hand over her mouth. "She's a terrible cook, really, Havey, probably end up poisoning all of us if I didn't supervise her! C'mon, Harley," she said, dragging her off down the hall.

Two-Face stared after Ivy and sighed, entering the empty Rec Room and sitting down on the sofa. At least, he thought he was alone.

"Hiya, Harv!" shouted the Joker, popping up from behind the sofa suddenly.

"Jesus Christ, J, you scared the crap outta me!" shouted Two-Face. "Don't sneak up on a guy like that, will ya?!"

"Sorry, it was too tempting to resist, Harvey!" chuckled Joker. "Although frankly, frightening you is too easy with Johnny's fear toxin in your head."

Joker shook his head sadly, sitting down next to Two-Face and clicking his tongue. "That Johnny. When will he learn to stop putting his things into other people? It's simply not polite. My philosophy is, if you don't own it, you shouldn't touch it. Nobody likes other people messing with their stuff, do they, Harv?"

"No, I guess not," agreed Two-Face.

"I mean, if I thought of Johnny as a mean, petty, dishonest sort, I'd say he'd set all this up," continued Joker. "Y'know, putting you outta action by giving you crazy gas, and then taking advantage of your absence to…y'know…break in to your property, if you get what I'm saying."

"I don't," retorted Two-Face, confused. "Johnny's been locked up in here like the rest of us. Plus I dunno why he'd need to burgle my house…"

"Didn't say it was a burglary, and didn't say it was your house," chuckled Joker. "I just said he broke in to some property of yours. But I'm sure he didn't plan it out or anything. Johnny's a nice guy. He wouldn't stab you in the back like that intentionally."

"What are you talking about?" asked Two-Face.

"Nothing," said Joker, standing up and waving his hand. "You know me, Harvey, I'm just rambling. Talking crazy. I tend to do that, being a lunatic and all. You coming to my party?"

"Well…yeah, I think everyone kinda is," said Two-Face.

"Well, you, Johnny, and Pammie are the only people who I really, really want to be there," said Joker, grinning. "Y'know, to make the whole thing really special and fun. You three just mean so much to me, I hope you know that, Harv," he said, hugging him.

"Uh…thanks, J," said Two-Face, incredibly uncomfortable at being hugged by the Joker.

"And I hope we can all always be friends," continued Joker. "I hope you find it in your heart to put the whole messy affair behind you. I mean, if I'd been out of it on funny gas and then found out someone else had taken a ride on my Harley, I'd make it so they could never walk again. Or see, or taste, or touch, hell, I'd deprive them of all five senses and then some. But you're not vindictive like me, Harvey. You're a good guy. Guess that's why Pammie needed a change," he chuckled.

Two-Face stared at him. "What are you saying, J?" he murmured. "You saying Pammie…and Crane…"

"I'm not saying anything of the kind, Harvey!" retorted Joker, grinning. "God, you are so suspicious! And jumpy. I can see why Pammie prefers the Professor to you – I mean, he's the Master of Fear, for Christ's sake. Must be a nice change for her from neurotic. Might wanna work on the whole paranoia thing if you wanna win her back. Just a friendly tip from your old pal Joker. See ya at the party, Harv!" he said, leaving the room and laughing.

Two-Face sat alone, trying to process the information. "Can't be true," he muttered. "It just can't. Pammie wouldn't do that to me. And neither would Johnny. It's just the fear talking."

He flipped his coin nervously, trying to remain calm. "Just the fear," he repeated firmly. "Just the fear talking."


	7. Chapter 7

"I didn't authorize any of this, Harley," said Dr. Leland, looking around the Rec Room at the decorations. A big sign above the door read _Happy Birthday, Puddin'! _and streamers hung from the ceiling. There was food all along the table, and a giant, six-foot purple cake in the center of the room.

"But you didn't _not_ authorize it, huh, Joan?" asked Harley, smiling at her.

"I didn't know you were planning it," retorted Dr. Leland. "I should probably shut it down…"

"But…but you won't do that, Joan, not after me and Red worked so hard on it," stammered Harley. "And Mr. J deserves a party for being the best guy in the whole world. And he ain't never had a birthday party. It'd be mean to get his hopes up like that and then dash 'em. And you ain't mean, are ya, Joan?" she asked, hopefully.

Dr. Leland sighed. "I'm doubling the guard outside," she muttered. "If there is the slightest whiff of an escape attempt, they're in here with the tranquilizer guns. Got it?"

"Sure thing, Joan!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "Aw, you're the greatest! We'll save you a piece of cake!"

"Did you make it?" asked Dr. Leland, studying the cake.

"Yeah," said Harley, proudly. "And the best part is, it's hollow on the inside, so I'm gonna jump out of it at puddin' when he gets here! I did all the decorations by myself too. Victor was meant to make an ice sculpture, but he didn't come through in the end," she sighed. "Some people are just no fun."

"Well, in that case, don't bother saving me cake, Harley," said Dr. Leland. "I'm not really hungry. I'll be in my office."

"You can stay for the party if you wanna, Joan," said Harley.

Dr. Leland looked around at the inmates and smiled. "No, that's ok, Harley. I have some…uh…work I need to do anyway."

Dr. Leland left the room, just as Harley heard whistling from down the hall. "All right, everybody, hide!" she hissed. "He's coming!"

She flicked off the lights. A few moments later, the Joker entered the room, flipping them back on.

"Surprise!" shouted Harley, leaping out from the cake covered in frosting. It immediately collapsed.

"What? This is today?" asked Joker, looking genuinely surprised. "But we planned this for Friday, pooh…"

"I know, puddin', but I wanted to surprise you!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "And you should see the look on your face!"

"I wanted to do this on Friday," repeated Joker.

"But…then it wouldn't have been a surprise, puddin'…" began Harley slowly.

"My show's on right now. I don't wanna miss it," said Joker.

"Well…can't you just watch it later, puddin'?" asked Harley, slowly. "I mean, everyone's here for the party…"

Joker sighed heavily. "Guess I'll have to record it," he muttered, picking up the remote control and pressing a few buttons. "All right, let's get this party started," he sighed, looking around. "You already ruined my cake, you dumb blonde. Where are the party hats?"

Harley looked confused. "Party…hats?"

"Yeah. You can't have a party without party hats," snapped Joker.

"I…I couldn't get ahold of those, puddin'…"

"Jesus Christ, Harley, can't you do anything right?" demanded Joker. "I specifically requested party hats! And where's my ice sculpture?"

"Victor didn't do one…"

"I told you, Harley, I only sculpt Nora," retorted Freeze.

"Yeah, and where is she, then, Victor?" demanded Harley.

"She is not to be put on display for your amusement…" began Freeze, angrily.

"Not _my _amusement, dummy, puddin's!" shouted Harley. "Never mind, Mr. J, we can still have fun, huh?"

Joker looked around at the guests and grinned. "We sure can, Harley. Hi, Harvey, thanks for coming! You still having visions?"

"Not as many, no," replied Two-Face.

"Good, good," said Joker, smiling at him. "Wanna make sure you're seeing straight today, don't we?" he chuckled "And Pammie, you're looking foxy as ever!" he said, smiling at Ivy. "I can see why all the guys wanna water your garden! How about a birthday hug?" he asked, holding out his arms.

"Don't touch me," hissed Ivy, backing away.

"And there's my main man, Johnny Crane!" laughed Joker, grinning. "Guess you really are a man now, huh? It's about time, I must say!"

"I…don't know what you mean," stammered Crane.

"You will soon, Johnny," said Joker, winking at him. "Everyone will soon," he chuckled.

"All right, everyone, quiet down!" shouted Harley, across the silent room. "As you all know, today is Mr. J's…birthday. We don't know how old he is…we don't even know if today is his actual birthday. But I do know that I love him, and nothing else matters but that. Happy birthday, puddin'," she cooed, kissing him.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks," said Joker, reaching inside his jacket. "Speech time now, right?"

"Not yet, puddin'," said Harley, holding up a glass. "We ain't got any alcohol in here…"

"Oh, I think Pammie might have got hold of some, huh?" interrupted Joker, smiling at her. "I mean, she'd have to be drunk, wouldn't she?"

Ivy stared at him. "How do you…"

"Well, Red didn't tell me that she had some alcohol," interrupted Harley. "So we're gonna have to toast with water. Everybody got a glass?"

She raised her own. "On this day…some years ago, my puddin' was born…maybe. And if that ain't a cause for celebration, I dunno what is. And maybe later the birthday boy can celebrate by eating a slice of Harley cake, huh, puddin'?" she asked, grinning.

Joker just looked at her. "God, you're pathetic," he sighed.

"I love you too, puddin'," said Harley, kissing him. "Here's to my puddin', who's…"

"Old," interrupted Two-Face.

"He's not old!" shrieked Harley. "In fact, he ain't never had a birthday before, which makes him younger than you, Harvey!"

"I'm also younger than Johnny Crane," said Joker, smiling. "Which means I may have a shot with Pammie, which is obviously something you ain't got, Harvey."

Two-Face glared at him, while Ivy grew even more uncomfortable. "Everyone, to puddin'," said Harley, raising her glass.

Nobody echoed the toast. Joker studied the silent room, smiling, and then removed some notecards from his jacket.

"Y'know, this is really touching, guys," he said. "I mean it, so thoughtful. My heart is so full right now, and I've prepared a short speech for the occasion. Just a few words I'd like to say."

He cleared his throat and read, "Dear Harvey, Johnny Crane boned your girlfriend. Thank you."

He sat down, as everyone's stunned gaze shifted to Crane and Ivy. "Oh…my God," stammered Crane.

Two-Face gaped from him to Ivy. "No," he murmured. "No, that's not true. Pammie, it's not true, is it? Tell me it's…not true."

"Harvey, it's…not what you think," began Ivy, slowly.

"Is what he said true?!" demanded Two-Face, suddenly furious.

"I was…drunk and…I don't remember it very well…but…yes," said Ivy, looking at the floor. "Yes, yes, it is."

Two-Face slowly turned to face Crane, who looked terrified. "I…am…going…to…kill…" Two-Face began, enunciating every word.

"It wasn't his fault, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.

"Then whose fault was it, Pammie?!" Two-Face shouted, rounding on her.

She glared back at him. "Yours," she murmured. "For not telling me you were still in love with me. For treating me with contempt and indifference every day because you were too afraid to tell me how you feel. Well, this is what happens when you let fear control your life, Harvey. You lose things. You lose everything that's important to you. And you've lost me, Harvey. You've lost me, Harvey. You've lost me, Harvey…"

"Harvey? Harvey? Mr. Dent? Can you hear me?" said a familiar voice.

Two-Face opened his eyes to see Jonathan Crane bending over him. Crane let out a sigh of relief. "Well, he's awake, anyway. Lucky thing I had an antidote on me. Mr. Dent, I am so sorry…"

Two-Face suddenly punched him hard in the face. "That's for sleeping with Ivy!" he shouted.

"For…what?" stammered Crane, holding his jaw.

Two-Face sat up slowly, looking around. He had been lying on the floor of the Rec Room, where Freeze, Joker, Harley, and Ivy were all staring at him. Then he noticed the tunnel they had dug under the sofa, which was still there. The guards hadn't busted their break-out attempt. He had obviously lost consciousness just after Crane had sprayed him with the fear gas. But that meant…everything since then had not been real.

Two-Face turned to face Crane again, confused. "You…slept with Ivy," he said.

"I most certainly did not!" retorted Crane. "And I can assure you, I would never do such a thing! The woman's not my type – far too antagonistic. No offense to you, Pamela."

"None taken, Johnny," she retorted, glaring at Two-Face with arms folded across her chest. "Although I am a little offended by you, Harvey. In just what reality would I actually sleep with Johnny?"

"Uh…well…you were drunk," said Two-Face.

Ivy laughed. "I could never be that drunk," she retorted.

"Thank you, Pamela," muttered Crane, sulkily. "That's certainly boosted my self-image. But this is obviously some irrational fear of yours, Mr. Dent…"

"Some extremely irrational fear," added Ivy.

"Yes, thank you, Pamela," muttered Crane. "But your exposure to my fear toxin has brought it to light. Whatever you think you experienced, it wasn't real."

"But…but you told Tetch that you…" began Two-Face.

"Jervis isn't even in here at the moment," retorted Crane.

"He's not?" said Two-Face. "But…why was he in my fear vision?"

"Obviously because you're scared of him," replied Crane.

"I don't blame you, Harvey, he creeps me out too," said Joker, nodding. "Him and his fondness for kiddies, it's just not right."

"Alice is twenty-seven," retorted Crane.

"Hey, that's my age!" exclaimed Harley.

"Yeah, but he's like double that," said Joker. "It's still creepy for a guy as old as he is to want a gal that young. He's obviously some sort of pervert."

Crane looked from Joker to Harley, and then sighed. "Yes, well, be that as it may, I'm glad there was no permanent damage done from the fear gas I accidentally sprayed at you, Mr. Dent," he said, turning back to Two-Face. "I would like to apologize for anything disturbing which you experienced, and I only hope you can allow yourself to forget what you saw."

"I'm not…sure that's such a good idea, Johnny," said Two-Face, slowly. "I mean…a lot of it was horrible, but…y'know…some good can come of being afraid," he murmured, gazing at Ivy. He cleared his throat and took her hand. "Would you excuse us, please?" he asked, pulling her out of the room.

"Harvey, we're trying to organize a break out, for God's sake!" hissed Ivy. "We don't have time for…"

"There are more important things," interrupted Two-Face. "And…talking to you is one of them."

"What are you…"

"I'm in love with you, Pam," murmured Two-Face. "I always have been, since the moment I first met you. And my feelings haven't changed, even after all the time that's passed since we went out. My biggest fear when I was under the gas was losing you to someone else. That's what the whole Johnny Crane thing was about. It may be improbable with him, but it's not improbable that you'll find someone else to be with. And I don't want that to happen, Pam. I want you to be with me again. And even if…you don't share my feelings, I think it's important that you know they're there. I was afraid to tell you before. I'm not now."

Ivy gazed at him. "Oh…Harvey…I'm really flattered, but…" she began.

"No, it's fine," he interrupted. "You don't have to say it. No good sentence ever begins with 'I'm flattered, but…'"

"No, I mean it," she murmured. "I am flattered. It's a long time to be carrying a torch for someone."

"You ain't…carrying a torch for me, are you?" he asked quietly.

"I…care about you, Harvey…" she murmured.

"You don't love me, though?" he asked.

She looked at him steadily. "I _do _love you," she whispered. "But…we just don't work together, Harvey. We have similar goals and aspirations, I mean, kill the Bat, rule Gotham, that kinda thing, but our methods of going about them are way too different. We'd always be fighting each other when we weren't fighting the Bat. Besides, I'm not ready to settle down, and I don't think you are either. You'll probably find someone else by the time you are."

"But…if I don't," said Two-Face, slowly. "And if you don't…I mean…you know I'll always be here for you, Pammie."

Ivy grinned. "So you're asking me to form one of those pacts with you? If neither of us finds someone else in twenty years, that kinda thing?"

"Yeah. Let's give it twenty years. I think my torch will still be burning then," said Two-Face, nodding.

Ivy smiled, and then kissed him tenderly. "It's a deal, Harvey," she whispered. She took his hand. "Now, c'mon. We got an escape attempt to…"

The Joker was suddenly thrown through the wall. "Aw, c'mon, Victor, that's no way to be!" he called, straightening up from the rubble as the guards came running. "All I said was that your wife was hot enough that I'd do her even when she's frozen! It was a compliment!"

"God dammit, J, the escape plan's ruined, and it's is all your fault!" shrieked Ivy as the guards seized hold of them.

"Hey, don't blame me, Pammie – Victor started the fight," laughed Joker.

"Only because you provoked him!" shouted Ivy. "You're such a bastard, J! I hate you!"

"Guess that'll teach you to make escape plans without me, huh, Pammie?" chuckled Joker as he was dragged off.

"Well, at least Joker ruining the escape attempt wasn't an irrational fear," sighed Two-Face as he was led back to his cell. He sat thinking for a while, and then said to the guards, "Hey, you think maybe I can have a phone call?"

Two-Face was led to the phone under heavy escort. He picked it up and dialled a number. "Hello?" said a voice on the other end.

"Hi…Bruce. It's Harvey," stammered Two-Face. "Can we…talk?"

There was silence on the other end for a moment, and Two-Face felt the fear wash over him again. "Of course we can, Harvey," murmured Bruce Wayne, quietly. "Anytime, you know that."

Two-Face let out a sigh of relief. "Great," he murmured, sincerely. "Great. Thanks, Bruce. You're a…good friend. My best friend. I mean that."

"So what's on your mind?" asked Bruce.

Two-Face sighed. "You got a couple hours to hear all about it, Bruce?"

"Of course," retorted Bruce. "I'm always here to listen."

Two-Face beamed. "Can we talk about…Harvey Dent?" he asked, quietly.

"Sure. Great guy," murmured Bruce.

"Yeah, maybe," agreed Two-Face, staring at his coin. He flipped it, and it landed on the good side. "Maybe…he isn't so bad after all."

**The End**


End file.
